The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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