Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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