Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
