More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
and i looked up. we had an audience...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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