I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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