Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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