i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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