John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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