If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
