she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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