The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Randomize
