there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
