it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Don't tell me you're on acid again
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
