my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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