Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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