dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
