I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
