Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
