I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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