Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I wish you could order shots online.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I will be naked everywhere
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Randomize
