I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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