Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
