turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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