Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
