She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just want to make out with him forever
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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