I wish I could teleport
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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