my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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