you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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