Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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