Yo dont text me then not text me
I cut my penus on the lid.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
