She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
