Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
