When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
