I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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