I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
