i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
