smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
