he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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