Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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