I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I'm passing your future prison.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
