So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
