i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
