We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
