Yo dont text me then not text me
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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