i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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