I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
