another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize