Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
