If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
