shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Randomize