That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
