alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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