Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Sober January is a disaster.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
