Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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