She's JV to your varsity
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
