You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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