i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
