Dude my mom stole all your condoms
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
